Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

More on this story as it develops.

Brandon Sams is a Memphis Comedian. Follow him on twitter @brandon_sams or ass him on facebook

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