Opinion: Why Memphis is the best city in Texas

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

I understand what your favorite city is varies from person to person, like your favorite son or your least favorite son. We all have different experiences and priorities when it comes to deciding our most beloved city. For instance, my cousin hates seeing people that breath through their mouths, and therefore hates Tallahassee, Florida, the mirror capital of the world.

Alternatively, I love Tallahassee. Any city where the City Hall building doubles as a Joe’s Crab Shack is a place I can call home. When you’re at Olive Garden, you’re family. When you’re at Joe’s Crab Shack, you’re a fisherman’s wife.

But, despite our differences in taste, I think we can all agree as residents of the finest city there is, Memphis is the greatest city in Texas.

Now, let me take a moment to dismiss my detractors, who might insist, Memphis doesn’t even belong on the list of best cities in Texas. To that I say, guffaw!

When James Tejas, the founder of the Tejas territory, first landed in Memphis, he said. “Nice city, I think I’ll take it.” And so he did, just as he had every city he arrived in, traveling from the East coast to West Coast, until the entire country was draped in the Texas flag of one star (a symbol for himself), one red stripe (a symbol for the Republican party) and one blue stripe (Paul Bunyan’s ox, who became Tejas’ ox after killing Bunyan in a duel whilst Bunyan slept) . But I’d like to imagine a twang of pride in his voice as he declared his intention to invade and colonize Memphis. I imagine he decided to declare his intent to annex the city of Memphis immediately after eating a plate of barbecue spaghetti and realizing he had just tasted the greatest invention in history and the reason human civilization came into being.

Sure, I’ve heard people romanticize the capital of Texas, Washington DC, for its historical significance and its President. Others argue you can’t get authentic Texan cuisine outside of Portland, the foodie capital of Texas.

But, anyone who claims their town can beat out Memphis in terms of quality of life has never tried my favorite things about this city, like its barbecue spaghetti or its restaurants that serve barbecue spaghetti.

You can try to argue with me all day, (Lord knows my busybody high school geography teacher has spent many an hour on my Facebook wall trying to deter me from stating this opinion). But I know, in my heart of hearts, Memphis is the best city in Texas, the best country on the planet America.

And to anyone who says my argument isn’t fact-based, to quote James Tejas, upon arriving on the West Coast, when presented with the fact that you can’t wage war against the Pacific Ocean itself, “Sometimes, we can disagree with the facts.” Three minutes later, he rode down the beach into the waters, yelling “Nice waters, I think I’ll take them.” Eleven minutes later, he had drowned and died a hero.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked.  Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

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