At 9:35 a.m. Wednesday, Linda Richards of Arlington won the much-coveted Terrace level tickets for Kenny Chesney’s upcoming performance at the FedEx Forum. Linda has participated in every KIX 106 contest to date, but she was nevertheless ecstatic to find out she was the 17th caller, for the 8000th time.
Linda was willing to give us the exclusive scoop on how she accomplished this magnificent feat. “The trick is to have seventeen Nokias, that way ain’t nobody getting through ‘cept me,” she confided to us in her guest room, its walls covered in autographed portraits of country music celebrities. “You can even play Snake on ‘em, for those dreary couple’a [sic] hours between contests,” Linda astutely realized around her 5000th victory.
When asked how she manages to dial this many phones at once, Linda pointed to her children and said, “These ten lil’ rug-rats are good for more than just destroying my marriage, I tell ya.”
We reached out to KIX 106 for a statement regarding Linda’s extraordinary success. A spokesman for the station was visibly unhappy with the achievement, “She has been banned from our giveaways for years. Her network of surrogate ticket claimers is so vast, that there’s just no way to catch this woman.”
We simply had to ask Linda how she managed to convince so many people to claim tickets for her. Upon our inquiry, Linda swung open her 2-in-1 storage ottoman, launching a multitude of full ashtrays onto her shag carpet, and withdrew a suitcase. “You ever seen that movie Master of Disguise?” whispered Ms. Richards in a hushed excitement. She asked us to close our eyes, and upon opening them, we were greeted by Groucho Marx. The disguise was a true tour de force, which could only be rivaled by Kenny Chesney's visit here on his Spiritual Experience Tour.
Zac Arnold is a Memphis Comedian. He has a facebook.
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