Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

More on this story as it develops.

Brandon Sams is a Memphis Comedian. Follow him on twitter @brandon_sams or ass him on facebook

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Bandaid in Bartlett pool allows overweight teen swimming in shirt a chance to jump off diving board unnoticed.

A band-aid enthusiast uses a net system to extract the latest addition to his collection.

A band-aid enthusiast uses a net system to extract the latest addition to his collection.


Local overweight Bartlett teen Kevin Pendale was able to seize a rare opportunity to climb out of his parents pool and jump off the diving board in broad daylight without being mocked after pointing out a dirty bandaid to his peers. .

"Normally I stay in the corner letting the jets massage my back hoping to blend in so as not to give Chase and Tristan a chance to slap me, dunk me or squeeze my breasts really hardin front of everyone, but then I saw a bandaid with a spot of dried blood floating in the water and I knew I had to make my move.  As everyone was trying to splash the bandaid on each other I went for it, climbing up the ladder and pulling my suit up securely I sprinted for the diving board and jumped off, it was pretty neat"

"Ever since that day Chance ripped Kevin's shirt off at his birthday party, Kevin usually just squats in the corner and doesn't get out until everyone else has gone in to change, I think it was a good experience for Kev" says Kevin's neighbor Doyle Gooden (54), "I watch these kids swimthrough the fence for hours at a time and Kevin is usually very uncomfortable.  Kevin will meander around outside of the pool for up to 15 minutes ignoring calls for him to take his shirt off. Usually Kevin willpretend to trip on a lawn chair and fall in with his shirt on.  These kids never invite Kevin anywhere and show up to swim every afternoon at 2:45,  but Kevin got the best of them.  Way to go Kevin"

Kevin's father Gary Pendale later found the bandaid in the skimmer and said "it looks like the one from Kevin's fat ankle"
 

Hunter Sandlin is  is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @ireviewvans

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight