‘Nashville Residents want Memphis to be capital of Tennessee’ says Memphis city poll

The Memphis cityscape looks breathtaking at night because the darkness obscures the crime.

The Memphis cityscape looks breathtaking at night because the darkness obscures the crime.

A surprising new straw poll conducted over the weekend suggests 7 out of 10 residents of Nashville would be open to changing the capital of Tennessee to the city of Memphis, according to 7 out of 10 Memphis residents.

The poll, conducted by surveying 500 Memphis residents about what Nashvillians think about their city’s status as the state’s capital, found that 70% of Nashville residents would be open to relocating the capital from Nashville to Memphis. 70% of Memphis residents found this to be the most accurate proportion.

“I mean, I don’t completely understand why the capital is Nashville in the first place,” says Nashville resident, Tony Nashville, a hypothetical man invented by surveyed Memphian Lawrence Davis. “Nashville is great and all, but I mean Memphis has so much going for it, y’know? It's green and beautiful and it's got such an active live music scene. I mean, it's where music history was made, whole museum there are dedicated to the most famous musicians the world over.”

“Could you say the same thing about Nashville?” said the Nashvillian figment of the Memphian’s imagination.

"I mean, I love living in Nashville, but Memphis has the zoo, a ton of museums, it's got amazing, delicious barbecue everywhere. Does Nashville have any of those things?" argued Nashville resident Nash Ville, a man who only exists in the dreamscape of Memphian Sheila Klein.

"Seriously, does Nashville have any of those things? I've never been there." Klein concluded, abandoning her impression of what she assumes a Nashville resident sounds like,

While 70% of Nashville residents either 'agree' (5%) or 'strongly agree' (65%) to moving the capital of Tennessee to Memphis, according to this poll of Memphians, 30% fall into the neutral camp.

30% of Memphians responded "Wait, isn't Memphis already the capital? Is this a trick question? We have a capital building, right? That movie theater?"

Nashville has yet to respond to this poll, but Nashville city officials, are already preparing legislation to enact real change in response to the findings of this poll, according to Memphis city officials.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked.  Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

University of Memphis fraternities ‘not causing enough outrage’ says Dean.

A UofM fraternity house spelling out Greek letters phonetically with English letters.

A UofM fraternity house spelling out Greek letters phonetically with English letters.

A University of Memphis official has expressed his frustration that the on campus fraternities have not caused any significant incidents in the last several years. The Dean of University College John Pertwee spoke with city officials on Tuesday and made it clear that the Greek community at the school was falling well behind the national average in unethical hazing, arrests and newsworthy incidents.

In his speech Pertwee   laid out the current problem as he sees them. ‘In the past 5 years there have been two chapters at UT Knoxville banned from campus. We would really like to have an excuse to suspend at least one of our fraternity chapters here at UofM, but the students here don’t seem interested in degrading themselves in the way we see at other Universities across the country.’

Tom Rollins, UofM Sigma Chi 1983-1987 lamented bout the issue ‘When I was a student, I remember all night ragers before exams. Now my son is telling me he only stays up late to play settlers of catan with the history majors. I’m starting to feel vindicated that I was absent for his birth’

Asked if something like the ‘buttchugging’ incident could ever happen in Memphis, Mr Pertwee took a more serious tone. ‘I would love to be able to condemn a reckless act of excess, to boost our national profile, but the number of craft breweries that have sprung up in the city has hindered this. Even when students are caught drinking illegally they can often be heard describing the hazelnut undertones of their favorite brown ale. It really demoralizes the arresting officers’

Pertwee clarified on the issue of arrests: ‘Let me be clear. We don’t want any of our students to commit a serious offense… but for goodness sake, someone needs to blackout and at least try and release the tiger we keep for the football games.’

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Residents vote to demolish Mud Island Bridge over immigration fears.

The A W Willis Bridge in its current, built form.

The A W Willis Bridge in its current, built form.

Correction: In a first print of this article we referred to Jack Gibney (47) as a cafe eclectic employee. It has been brought to our attention by the management that this is incorrect. We have yet to reach Mr Gibney for further comment.

Residents of Mud Island have narrowly voted in favor of a $4 million destruction initiative to remove the Mud Island Bridge on A W Willis Avenue. The proposal, largely scorned by Memphis residents as ‘pointless’ and ‘a joke’ surprisingly passed after 842 residents voted in favor of removing the structure that connects the island to downtown Memphis. Only 868 residents voted against the motion.

The run up to the vote was marred by bitter campaigning, and island residents remain deeply divided over the proposed demolition. Jack Gibney (47) a cleaner at an undisclosed coffee shop on the island thinks the destruction of the bridge will bring the island ‘a sense of law and order.’ Asked about how bridge removal would help lower the mud island crime rate, he said ‘The majority of Memphis criminals live on the mainland, if the bridge is destroyed, it will be much harder for them to come over here and commit crime.’

Sam Dowsley (31), a physician’s assistant, disagrees. ‘It makes no sense, I use that bridge to get to work. There aren’t many jobs on the island that don’t involve bringing elderly people food and drink, so I don’t think this is the right direction for the island. Also, The crime rate on the island is the lowest it’s ever been, and there’s a land bridge on the north side so this won’t even prevent people coming onto the island. In fact this isn’t even a real island it’s technically a peninsula.’

Such arguments do not sway those who want to see a bridgeless future. Mr Gibney said ‘Well maybe we need to discuss whether we want to be a peninsula anymore, we call this an island for a reason. Getting rid of the bridge is the first step to making that happen and we can talk about other steps to restore this island to its former glory.’

Mr Dowsley said he vows to keep fighting for a united Memphis ‘There are lots of people living here who’ve never even been to the rest of Memphis. They don’t understand the value that people from the rest of Memphis add to their community. I met a guy that manages a Hardees the other day, and that wouldn’t have happened if I was unable to leave the island.'

Justin Timberlake, one of the islands most famous residents has yet to be reached for comment, but it is expected his views will be n sync with the island majority.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight