Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

More on this story as it develops.

Brandon Sams is a Memphis Comedian. Follow him on twitter @brandon_sams or ass him on facebook

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Opinion: Why Memphis is the best city in Texas

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

I understand what your favorite city is varies from person to person, like your favorite son or your least favorite son. We all have different experiences and priorities when it comes to deciding our most beloved city. For instance, my cousin hates seeing people that breath through their mouths, and therefore hates Tallahassee, Florida, the mirror capital of the world.

Alternatively, I love Tallahassee. Any city where the City Hall building doubles as a Joe’s Crab Shack is a place I can call home. When you’re at Olive Garden, you’re family. When you’re at Joe’s Crab Shack, you’re a fisherman’s wife.

But, despite our differences in taste, I think we can all agree as residents of the finest city there is, Memphis is the greatest city in Texas.

Now, let me take a moment to dismiss my detractors, who might insist, Memphis doesn’t even belong on the list of best cities in Texas. To that I say, guffaw!

When James Tejas, the founder of the Tejas territory, first landed in Memphis, he said. “Nice city, I think I’ll take it.” And so he did, just as he had every city he arrived in, traveling from the East coast to West Coast, until the entire country was draped in the Texas flag of one star (a symbol for himself), one red stripe (a symbol for the Republican party) and one blue stripe (Paul Bunyan’s ox, who became Tejas’ ox after killing Bunyan in a duel whilst Bunyan slept) . But I’d like to imagine a twang of pride in his voice as he declared his intention to invade and colonize Memphis. I imagine he decided to declare his intent to annex the city of Memphis immediately after eating a plate of barbecue spaghetti and realizing he had just tasted the greatest invention in history and the reason human civilization came into being.

Sure, I’ve heard people romanticize the capital of Texas, Washington DC, for its historical significance and its President. Others argue you can’t get authentic Texan cuisine outside of Portland, the foodie capital of Texas.

But, anyone who claims their town can beat out Memphis in terms of quality of life has never tried my favorite things about this city, like its barbecue spaghetti or its restaurants that serve barbecue spaghetti.

You can try to argue with me all day, (Lord knows my busybody high school geography teacher has spent many an hour on my Facebook wall trying to deter me from stating this opinion). But I know, in my heart of hearts, Memphis is the best city in Texas, the best country on the planet America.

And to anyone who says my argument isn’t fact-based, to quote James Tejas, upon arriving on the West Coast, when presented with the fact that you can’t wage war against the Pacific Ocean itself, “Sometimes, we can disagree with the facts.” Three minutes later, he rode down the beach into the waters, yelling “Nice waters, I think I’ll take them.” Eleven minutes later, he had drowned and died a hero.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked.  Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Dyslexic baptist cows sells chicken to southerners.

Three cows paying homage to the civil rights era 'I AM A MAN' signs.

Three cows paying homage to the civil rights era 'I AM A MAN' signs.

Memphis, TN- A group of dexterous cows can be seen on Union avenue and throughout the city vandalizing billboards and persuading all people to eat “chikin.”

It is known that the majority of cows can neither speak English, nor write it. However, these cows seem to have a heightened prefrontal cortex, allowing them to read, write and develop a strategy for their self-preservation. A farmer in Boliver wishing to remain anonymous identified the cows as his own, saying, “Those are my smart cows and they need to get back in my whatyurcallit.”

The renegade cows have been responsible for all kinds of propaganda intended to attract attention toward the chicken community.

“We walked into their rooms and flipped up their ears to whisper to them everyday--it’s you or chicken.”, stated Chic-Fil-A advertising executive Zachary Hinkle.  “Whether that caused the cows to do this or not is really anybody’s guess, but what’s important is they started showing great motivation. We’re all really proud.”

The cows are on record proselytizing with phrases such as “Eat MOr chickin”, “Chikin WInz by A mile” and “We are very much supportive of the biblical definition of the family unit.”

“I’m surprised they were able to get up there and paint at all,” says Bonnie Thurland, a patron of Bellevue Baptist Church, “It truly is a blessing.”

We have yet to reach “chikin” for comment.

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight