Planned Parenthood officials vote to defund Tennessee state legislature.

Planned Parenthood is politically divisive due to the brutalist 1960s architecture used for its buildings.

Planned Parenthood is politically divisive due to the brutalist 1960s architecture used for its buildings.

In what many are calling 'a surprising turn of events', Planned Parenthood officials have reached a unanimous decision to block funding to Tennessee legislature. This decision comes at the onset of the recent votes by Bob Corker (R-TN) to Repeal ACA and Medicaid on December 3rd, 2016 and Lamar Alexander (R-TN) voted to allow the arming of teachers in classrooms on February 13th, 2015 as part of bill HN.1.

Cecile Richards, president, and CEO of Planned Parenthood shared her comment, “It’s at the point where we just had enough of them. I was meeting with the voting review board, I saw how the Tennessee senators voted and realized--wait, why are we putting up with this?”

Investigations by the department of internal justice report that the salaries of all Tennessee State senators will be audited. All representatives are expected to lose a substantial amount of federal funding.

Alexander has begun a search to subsidize the expected reduction of his salary.

“It’s just not fair,” said Alexander. “I worked hard for those funds. A substantial portion of my salary goes to serve my district...sure I golf, but it’s dehumanizing to have to report every dollar. This type of legislation threatens American values.”

Corker’s annual salary is estimated to be $174,000 and his office left the following comment: “Without the full salary of a senator, how can I afford to take my daughter to the best Doctor? There is something gravely wrong with this decision.”

Despite the pushback, Planned Parenthood is expecting to stand by the decision.

‘I’m sure that the Tennessee legislature carries out some important functions. But they keep killing off bills before they come to vote. And whilst that continues to happen, we will do everything in our power to stop giving them money’ Richards told Bluff News.

An aide to the office of TN legislature that choose to remain anonymous said “We provide a lot of services for the middle aged, wealthy, white men of this community and will not let this loss of funding change our practices.’

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Follow the story with #Vote4PPTN

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs

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Tennessee state senate passes bill. Population pre-emptively sighs heavily.

The Tennessee State Senate as it looks when bad decisions are not being made.

The Tennessee State Senate as it looks when bad decisions are not being made.

A joint resolution in the Tennessee General Assembly passed unanimously in the Senate on Monday. In response, before even knowing the contents of the bill, Tennessee inhabitants are pre-emptively sighing heavily.

As the Tennessee Senate prepares to announce the content of the latest resolution to pass without discussion, residents of Knoxville, Nashville, Memphis and Chattanooga alike were reportedly rubbing their temples and muttering ‘great… just great.’

“Our tax dollars at work!” University of Memphis student Rob Davenport typed into a Facebook status, preparing to share one of the many articles that would surely be written after the Tennessee senate’s latest Senate Joint Resolution would be released to the general public. After saving the post as a draft for later, he buried his head and his hands and remained in that position for several minutes.

“Really? This is what they’re prioritizing?” exhaled Knoxville small business owner Jeffrey Morris, staring at himself in the mirror. “This state has real problems and we keep passing legislation focusing on THIS?”

“This? THi-IS?” He said, practicing a number of different ways to pronounce the ultimate word in the sentence he knew he would have to say many, many times as the topic entered conversations he would have for weeks.

Political analysts are unsure of what issue the resolution could address but based on the most recent policies emphasized by the Senate, they predict the result will be a 7-15% increase in carbon dioxide emission in the state of Tennessee.

The source of the carbon dioxide will be approximately two million Tennesseans groaning all at once, followed by contemplative silence.

“I feel like some people are being too negative without even hearing the actual language in the document,” commented Jerry Fuller, Tennessee’s last registered Optomist.

“I mean, sure, if you look into the current composition of our state government, their stated goals, the last decade of policy they’ve tried to pass and the larger motivations of the Republican party on a national level, these would all be things to point to ‘concerns’.” Continued Fuller, punctuating the word concerns with finger quotes.

Concluded Fullter, “But, I mean, c’mon. How bad could it really be?”

After this interview, in appreciation for his positivity, the Tennessee senate gave Mr. Fuller a sneak peak at the joint resolution before its content is released to the general public.

Mr. Fuller declined to share with Bluff News what he had managed to glean from the document or what larger effect it might have on the state, but did stare silently out the nearest window, struggling to understand how something like this could ever happen.

 

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked.  Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

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