Memphians just now realizing that Kooky Canuck might be a racist caricature.

One of the images accused of  'maple leaf face'

One of the images accused of  'maple leaf face'

The popular restaurant is home to “big fun,” “big burgers,” and lately, big outcry for its hallmark brand character the “Kooky Canadian.” Memphis residents have taken to social media in what some are calling “maple leaf face.”

The Kooky Canuck has a newer location in Cordova and a Downtown location that celebrated its 10th anniversary this month. According to friends, owner Shawn Dako “Couldn’t have been happier”. That might be set to change as the restaurant branding has recently become embroiled with controversy in an obvious misinterpretation of the current racial justice movements.

Cordova is to the east of Memphis, was founded as a farm town in 1853 and is known for freshly cut flowers, golfer John Daly, and only being able to understand prejudice when it targets white people.

John Filbur, a Cordova resident and real life cooky Canadian, resents the spelling of the local burger restaurant, “It’s just silly eh? Why not use the C, eh?”

Jennifer Tremblay, a Canadian leading the movement had this to say, “Oh we don’t mean to cause any problems for the restaurant. They can use whatever they like. Really. We’re sore-y.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with it” said Cleveland Indians fan Jim Sandlin.

“Me neither” said Washington Redskins fan, Bill Broker.


To join the debate use @kookycanuck #mapleleafface

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

City of Memphis Institutes $5 Cover To Stay Home.

It is considered good luck to rub Lincoln's forehead when passing a $5 note to another person.

It is considered good luck to rub Lincoln's forehead when passing a $5 note to another person.

 

In a move that is already causing outrage among citizens, The City of Memphis, in conjunction with the Memphis Chamber, passed an ordinance today to tax residents if they do not “go out” a requisite amount in any given month. The announcement, issued earlier today, emphasized that the city ordinance, dubbed an “un-cover charge”, isn’t forcing people to have fun, try new things, and support local bands, it is merely suggesting it under the threat of a tax.

“Everyone should totally go out more and like, support local things, you know?” said East Memphis spokesperson, Timothy Johnston. “We have really cool stuff here, like bars and shows, and murals. We’re just trying to get people to go to them.” The 46 year old spokesperson then revealed, in the interest of fairness, that his blues band does have a gig coming up at Lafeyette’s.

The tax, which is $5 a month, hopes to nudge those who are on the fence about leaving the house and to forego other alternatives. “I’m always down to support local happenings, but when it comes down to it, I have a Netflix subscription. A one month subscription costs the same as parking at Overton Square.” says Carlie Tuller of Chickasaw Gardens. “It’s really hard to pass up a third binge of ‘Stranger Things’, but this tax will get me out at least a few more times a month. Maybe I’ll even go see my husband’s Big Star tribute band.”

Expert legal scholar, Bernard Georges, noted that the ordinance’s wording does have a few loopholes. For example, due to the tendency to work nights, restaurant employees are exempt from the tax, which includes approximately 87% of the city’s population. When asked whether or not the ordinance would be found constitutional if taken to the Supreme Court, Georges stated “I hope so, we could use a few more audience members at our shows.” Georges is in a completely different Big Star tribute band.

Grace Armstrong, a marketing expert here in Memphis, was optimistic the ordinance may have positive effects, unlike previous, similar efforts. “This isn’t like the ‘Mail-In South Main rebates’ of 2012 that required buying stamps, or the ‘Multi-leveling marketing fiasco of 1997’.” stated Armstrong, who is still confused as to how could people resist a consistent passive revenue stream from their friends and family selling Beale Street drink tickets. “In the mind of the citizens, going out now saves them money. Suddenly a $5 show is now basically free. And a free show? Its like getting paid to be entertained.” When asked how she personally felt about the ordinance, Armstrong replied that she would be upset over it, if she lived within the city limits. 

Benny Elbows is a Stand-up Comedian and writer. He runs Blacksmith Comedy , is an improviser with The Wiseguys, and you can follow him on twitter and medium @bennyelbows.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Memphian having a good day decides to use turn signal on Union avenue.

union Ave

MEMPHIS-Local resident Alan Dwyer was coming home from work on Union avenue when he decided to do something he’s never done before when changing lanes--use his turn signal.

“I don’t know what came over me,” John reports. “The girl in the elevator smiled at me for the first time today, I got eight hours last night and I found a $5 bill at the gas station, I guess I just figured, what the heck, try something new.”

Though greatly appreciated by the cars that followed John, they were not inspired by his selflessness. “You don’t need to use those things to know how to use a car” laughed lifetime Memphian Pam Carter (46).

“It’s nobody’s business where I’m going,” said Ambulance driver Tim Rhodes (38).

Expect delays from collisions along 240 west and Union Avenue.

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

P&H café passes state health inspection. Customers do not.

The P&H cafe is like Pandora's box... if Pandora kept her cigarettes in the box.

The P&H cafe is like Pandora's box... if Pandora kept her cigarettes in the box.

The P&H café on Madison Avenue has had its business license renewed after passing a random health inspection on Tuesday afternoon. The state inspectors awarded the local bar 4 out of 5 stars citing only minor room for improvement.

Henry Goodell, a local officer for the Tennessee department of health stated ‘We were very impressed with the facilities that the P&H café had to offer, the food was prepared with a high standard of cleanliness and the beer lines are cleaned twice as often as needed. The bathrooms were admittedly bizarre and disconcerting but not in any violation of recognized code.

It was not all good news at the popular dive bar however, as state officials ordered the removal of a number of the bar’s patrons for ‘not meeting the minimum hygiene standards required of Tennessee residents. Goodell stated ‘We were aware of a very unpleasant smell during the inspection, and were very concerned. However, after investigation we located its origin to a young man whom referred to himself as an artist’

‘Bill Truss (26) or ‘Zola XXX’ as he prefers to be called, is an ‘artist’ in the midtown area. When asked to provide evidence of his occupation, he could only provide Memphis Today Tonight with abstract concepts. Speaking about his poor hygiene he said ‘I’m a creative and that impacts all areas of my life, it’s a part of the process’

After detaining Mr Truss, the inspectors examined 34 other customers and found that all but 3 violated ‘basic human decency’. Offending individuals were removed from the premises and taken to a specialist state facility in Knoxville, where they will be rehabilitated and released as accountants. Asked if this would solve the problem Mr Goodell was skeptical. ‘I hate to say it but we are dealing with a symptom of a larger problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a new batch of deluded creatives smoking around the pool tables by next week’

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Dave Brown to Return, Fulfill Prophecy.

Dave Brown carefully caressing Tennessee back to clear skies in the late 80s

Dave Brown carefully caressing Tennessee back to clear skies in the late 80s

“He was just there, sitting on a stone throne, wearing a crown. He had this really long grey beard and a sword” explained long-time Memphian Allen Edgarsinsky (58), in the parking lot of the Cash Saver at the corner of Madison and Avalon. “I believe it was a long sword, maybe a claymore.” 

“I asked him where the Gotta Get Up To Get Down was and he told me ‘my time had not yet come yet’ and said something about birds circling the Bass Pro Pyramid. It was strange, but not that strange for Midtown now that I think about it.” Edgarsinsky eventually found the coffee stout he was looking for.

Mary Longbooths also reported the sighting Wednesday night. “I thought some of those darn comedians from down the street were doing one of their skits. I had no idea it was really him. I would have asked for his autograph.”

Edgarsinsky and Longbooths are of course talking about WMC-TV Chief Meteorologist Emeritus Dave Brown, who retired from active manning of the weather in 2015 after a 53 year career in broadcasting, including time as the greatest wrestling commentator ever. But even approaching the stately age of 70, it did not take long for the hope of a return to take hold of the thousands of diehard fans Brown had earned over the years. 

Craig Dyson of Bartlett is one such fan. “I remember watching him every day with my dad. It was hard to see him go, but I remember my dad telling me that someday, like if there is a particularly bad cold front coming through and we’re going to have another Ice Storm like in ‘94, he’d come back.” 

Dyson’s story alludes to Jeff Monmouth’s “Historia Meteorum Memphis” in which it is said that in Memphis weather’s darkest hour, Dave Brown would return from his place of resting with his Weathermen of the Round Table to save the city from dire Five Day Forecasts. “There have been dozens of versions of the story since Monmouth’s work.” says Phillip Hess, Professor of Meteorological Mythology at the University of Memphis. “Some accounts say that it’ll be a tornado that will bring him back. Some say that it’ll be an Earthquake, which isn’t even a meteorological occurrence. I’ve even heard some say that it’ll be the end of the world that will cause his return, or something worse, like 3 inches of snow.”

“The legend is important.” noted Hess. “He’s a symbol of hope, and it’s a comfort to Memphians in their daily life that there is someone looking out for them.” When asked whether or not he thought this was a sign that the legend would soon be fulfilled, Hess responded with “Hell yeah! He’s the once and future meteorologist. He’s coming back, and he’s bringing Lance Russell too!”

Lance Russell, according to reports, is either spending his retirement making appearances at wrestling events, or has been trapped in a cave by dark magic.

Benny Elbows is a Stand-up Comedian. He runs Blacksmith Comedy , is an improviser with The Wiseguys, and you can follow him on twitter and medium @bennyelbows.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Bluff experience: Against all odds, local show starts on time.

An unoccupied stage. In my 15 years of seeing shows in Memphis, this was the first to begin at the allotted time.

An unoccupied stage. In my 15 years of seeing shows in Memphis, this was the first to begin at the allotted time.

So I’m a reporter, right? And as a good local music reporter I go to as many local shows as I can, so I can keep abreast of the music scene. Cause that’s what reporters do. So allow me to regale you with my trip to the scene last week. It was Saturday night and everything looked as if it was going to be nothing but the usual. The venue had agreed to a nine band bill for the show. The owner admitted to being double booked for the evening and didn’t want to piss the bands off, but didn’t want the bands to forget that none of them put up actual posters anywhere.  “Let’s just make it a benefit for something” the bartender shouted. “For what?” someone asked.  “Who gives a shit, just update the Facebook invite.”  In what seemed like seconds, there were three merch tables full of band swag, which everyone in town had already bought, covering the back of the bar. Which is odd considering that the show was now a benefit. Now musicians started pouring in, with more gear than any of them actually needed, all with their own guest list in hand. There was only one set of drums on stage. I asked the sound tech and she said “the ‘headliner’ act offered to let the openers use it. But there were only four bands on the show, did that stop the other FIVE bands from just assuming their drummers could using them? Hickory Dickory Fuck No.”  Then I heard a tale five different musicians all had to work late so there wasn’t a single full band there. Not that it mattered much, seems the doorman was still making his way from 201 poplar for a D.U.I. charge he was popped for the night before. The sound engineer hadn’t even bothered to turn on the PA and it was 20 minutes till the first band was supposed to start. Disaster seems inveitable, but, just like that, the rest of the musicians showed up and worked out, with relative ease, the order of the night. The sound engineer finished her beer with a smile and was ready to get the show started, she even asked the crowd what kind of music they wanted to hear that night. All the gear was lined up orderly and out of the way, the show was ready to begin. The first band yelled “Good Evening, Let’s start this shit!!” to a room full of their significant others and no one else. Cause the show may be ready to go but the crowd is never early. But I was there and I’m glad I was. I saw a unicorn that night and that doesn’t happen often enough.

Josh Mclane is a Memphis Comedian. Like his facebook page, listen to his podcast or follow him on twitter @joshuamclane

Pressure mounts as Madison Avenue CashSaver struggles to keep up with sriracha demand.

                                    The original Cashsaver logo (Pronounced C-Cashsaver)

                                    The original Cashsaver logo (Pronounced C-Cashsaver)

“People are just eating it,” was all stock boy Josh Stevens, (24) had to say on the matter, as he placed the last bottle of sriracha in stock on the shelf. Simple enough, but that may be the reason that the Cash Saver on Madison Avenue is having trouble keeping the place stocked with the condiment. Sriracha only started production in 1980, yet its net worth has already grown to upwards of $60 million as of the last fiscal year.

Bethany Hawkins, (36) is a mother of two and frequently has to stock up on sriracha. “I’ve got two very pretentious children to take care of.” She says she adds the condiment to “pizza, chicken, toast, rice, pad thai, corn, fish, lo mein, hash browns, macaroni, waffles, fries, cream cheese, cheez its, popcorn, and shrimp.”

After an honorable mention in Bon Appetit Magazine as “ingredient of the year”, the Thai sauce’s stock doubled in one month and has only continued to skyrocket. In the piece, Anthony Bourdain, two time James Beard award winner, called sriracha “dynamic” and said he liked it on “scrambled eggs, poached eggs, eggs benedict, frittatas, omelettes, hard boiled eggs, deviled eggs, fried eggs, sunny side up eggs, eggs in a basket, powdered eggs, and spicy tuna rolls”

Sriracha was invented by a Thai housewife named Thanom Chakkapok, although the green-capped version we all know was made by David Tran, a Vietnamese refugee, and is less sweet and slightly thicker. The recipe was born out of a desire to spice up leftovers. “After I perfected it, I started putting it on carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, onions, snap peas, green beans, rice, lentils, lamb, leek, and okra.”

When pressed, Josh admitted to eating sriracha as well, thereby contributing to the depletion. “Yeah, I had it once. On tacos. It was pretty good.”

Lila Bear is a Memphis Comedian. Follow her on instagram... or if you want add her as a friend on facebook

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Memphis rapper announces plan to ‘take no shit’ indefinitely.

Bar spitting incompatible microphones were used for the press conference with Drippy Pete. 

Bar spitting incompatible microphones were used for the press conference with Drippy Pete. 

MEMPHIS, TN--Following a brief, hastily-assembled press conference held at the Memphis estate of recent Grammy-winning hip hop artist Drippy Pete, (28) news outlets were shocked to hear the Memphis rapper’s announcement that he “is not takin’ any more shit from y’all bitches no more!”. Drippy, (28) emphasized this point with repeated thumps to his chest, causing minimal feedback in the short range PA system at the foot of Mr Pete’s two-story driveway.

At time of press it is unclear whether the remarks come in response to accusations in the media and social circle that he had previously ‘been taking shit’ in recent weeks or if it had simply been a longstanding cornerstone of the rapper’s philosophy  Sources within Drippy Pete’s label, F**kFist Records, indicate that no such comments have been made accusing Pete of “taking shit from neither tricks [nor] busters currently under [their] management.”

Drippy Pete, unfortunately, left no time for any follow up questions from any of the assembled press, but was heard to have shouted “Never again!” just before disappearing beyond the iron gates of his Cooper Young mansion.

Mr Pete’s manager, Lil’ Low Self-Esteem, could not be reached for comment.

Charley McMullen is a Colorado comedian living in Memphis. Follow him on twitter @CharleyMcMullen

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Arlington Mother Wins 8000th KIX 106 Concert Ticket Contest.

Kix 106 is known for giving away concert tickets at an economically unsustainable rate.

Kix 106 is known for giving away concert tickets at an economically unsustainable rate.

At 9:35 a.m. Wednesday, Linda Richards of Arlington won the much-coveted Terrace level tickets for Kenny Chesney’s upcoming performance at the FedEx Forum. Linda has participated in every KIX 106 contest to date, but she was nevertheless ecstatic to find out she was the 17th caller, for the 8000th time.

Linda was willing to give us the exclusive scoop on how she accomplished this magnificent feat. “The trick is to have seventeen Nokias, that way ain’t nobody getting through ‘cept me,” she confided to us in her guest room, its walls covered in autographed portraits of country music celebrities. “You can even play Snake on ‘em, for those dreary couple’a [sic] hours between contests,” Linda astutely realized around her 5000th victory.

When asked how she manages to dial this many phones at once, Linda pointed to her children and said, “These ten lil’ rug-rats are good for more than just destroying my marriage, I tell ya.”

We reached out to KIX 106 for a statement regarding Linda’s extraordinary success. A spokesman for the station was visibly unhappy with the achievement, “She has been banned from our giveaways for years. Her network of surrogate ticket claimers is so vast, that there’s just no way to catch this woman.”

We simply had to ask Linda how she managed to convince so many people to claim tickets for her. Upon our inquiry, Linda swung open her 2-in-1 storage ottoman, launching a multitude of full ashtrays onto her shag carpet, and withdrew a suitcase. “You ever seen that movie Master of Disguise?” whispered Ms. Richards in a hushed excitement. She asked us to close our eyes, and upon opening them, we were greeted by Groucho Marx. The disguise was a true tour de force, which could only be rivaled by Kenny Chesney's visit here on his Spiritual Experience Tour.

Zac Arnold is a Memphis Comedian. He has a facebook.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

 

Opinion: Why Memphis is the best city in Texas

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

Texas was originally founded upside-down. Now it is just backwards.

I understand what your favorite city is varies from person to person, like your favorite son or your least favorite son. We all have different experiences and priorities when it comes to deciding our most beloved city. For instance, my cousin hates seeing people that breath through their mouths, and therefore hates Tallahassee, Florida, the mirror capital of the world.

Alternatively, I love Tallahassee. Any city where the City Hall building doubles as a Joe’s Crab Shack is a place I can call home. When you’re at Olive Garden, you’re family. When you’re at Joe’s Crab Shack, you’re a fisherman’s wife.

But, despite our differences in taste, I think we can all agree as residents of the finest city there is, Memphis is the greatest city in Texas.

Now, let me take a moment to dismiss my detractors, who might insist, Memphis doesn’t even belong on the list of best cities in Texas. To that I say, guffaw!

When James Tejas, the founder of the Tejas territory, first landed in Memphis, he said. “Nice city, I think I’ll take it.” And so he did, just as he had every city he arrived in, traveling from the East coast to West Coast, until the entire country was draped in the Texas flag of one star (a symbol for himself), one red stripe (a symbol for the Republican party) and one blue stripe (Paul Bunyan’s ox, who became Tejas’ ox after killing Bunyan in a duel whilst Bunyan slept) . But I’d like to imagine a twang of pride in his voice as he declared his intention to invade and colonize Memphis. I imagine he decided to declare his intent to annex the city of Memphis immediately after eating a plate of barbecue spaghetti and realizing he had just tasted the greatest invention in history and the reason human civilization came into being.

Sure, I’ve heard people romanticize the capital of Texas, Washington DC, for its historical significance and its President. Others argue you can’t get authentic Texan cuisine outside of Portland, the foodie capital of Texas.

But, anyone who claims their town can beat out Memphis in terms of quality of life has never tried my favorite things about this city, like its barbecue spaghetti or its restaurants that serve barbecue spaghetti.

You can try to argue with me all day, (Lord knows my busybody high school geography teacher has spent many an hour on my Facebook wall trying to deter me from stating this opinion). But I know, in my heart of hearts, Memphis is the best city in Texas, the best country on the planet America.

And to anyone who says my argument isn’t fact-based, to quote James Tejas, upon arriving on the West Coast, when presented with the fact that you can’t wage war against the Pacific Ocean itself, “Sometimes, we can disagree with the facts.” Three minutes later, he rode down the beach into the waters, yelling “Nice waters, I think I’ll take them.” Eleven minutes later, he had drowned and died a hero.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked.  Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight